I, Beth Alison, Take This BM

I, Beth Alison, Take This BM...

Early this fall my Better Half and I will celebrate ten years of marriage. The magnitude and significance of this has been marinating in my brain lately and I find myself awed on so many levels: logistical, statistical, emotional…all the big ‘als’.

Getting married is just about the only life event that we as a society consider so risky, so statistically inadvisable, that we literally applaud any couple who agrees just to try it. Virtually no other life choice commands a party at the beginning of the endeavor. With a failure rate of nearly 60% I cannot think of any other activity of equal risk which we sign up for as willingly as marriage. Here, enjoy this crystal punch bowl now because in six years one of you will smash it into the marble fireplace during an argument about the validity of the text message as an acceptable form of ‘checking in’ or the arm-touching coworker who just rubs you the wrong way and you know that so why did you still invite them to our BBQ.

Marriage vows are a bit melodramatic with their sweeping, yet generalized proclamations of for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Growing up I thought marriage might be something like one of those Sissy Spacek/Sally Field/Mel Gibson/Kevin Costner vs. Mother Nature movies where husband and wife are forced to persevere in the face of hardship. Holding hands against the building storm/the impending foreclosure/the poor crop yield, they are held together by their love, gumption and pioneering spirit. But I’ve found that in reality, the richer and poorer, the sickness and in health….those are sometimes the easier parts of marriage. When something bad happens to us, we naturally circle the wagons and come together. Instinct tells us where to head for shelter and comfort does not need to be articulated. Conversely, when something wonderful happens we turn again on reflex to those same people to celebrate and hug.

It’s the in between that is tricky. It is the day to day wear that snags and loosens the threads of the tapestry we weave while falling in love. Anyone can congratulate me on a promotion at work or offer condolences after the passing of a loved one. The larger challenge is who can tolerate the fact that I am incapable of brushing my teeth without somehow somewhere getting toothpaste on the mirror for the next fifty years. Or put up with my ridiculous insistence on sitting in an aisle seat at the movies no matter how empty the theater or how much better you know the sound would be in the middle. And for that matter, can I tolerate that haz mat of a case you call a down pillow that continually wheezes Asian bird flu feathers and undoubtedly violates at least three EPA regulations. I will if you will. So after consideration I offer below a revised take on marriage vows. Less romantic? Perhaps. But I’m lookin to buck the odds and no one ever rolled a parachute by candlelight.

1) The answer to the question “did you notice my FILL IN THE BLANK?” is always YES and the answer to the question “did you notice her FILL IN THE BLANK?” is always WHAT? NO.

2) Appear to take into serious consideration his assertion, made while emboldened by a dozen beers and a roaring fire pit, that Rush is not just a band, it’s a philosophy.

3) Agree with enthusiasm the ‘fact’ that given the right timing/money/connections he could have had a real shot at becoming a professional athlete/rock star/astronaut.

4) Maintain a straight face when she suggests you invest in head shots for her guinea pig Gus (RIP Gus Gus) as she believes his extraordinary cuteness could very well earn him a future in Hollywood.

5) Always praise highly and emphatically his fierce caveman like ability to both build a fire and cook raw meat over it.

6) Support any endeavor that promotes that universally revered male pleasure of the outdoor daytime beer.

7) Take appropriate care in timing your ‘uh huhs’ to maintain the appearance of interest in any conversation about a coworkers character flaws, an episode of any show on Bravo, YouTube videos featuring drowsy kittens or what a pity it is that so-and-so cut her hair short because she doesn’t have the bone structure to pull off the Farrow.

8) Never, ever, question the status of a diet, exercise regimen or lifestyle overhaul no matter how loudly, tearfully, “I’m serious” the proposed changes were made. Just pick up the ice cream like she asked. She has her reasons and you would know what they were had you asked appropriate follow through questions earlier in the evening.

9) Maintain your position that your partiality to Hugh Jackman lies solely in the fact that he reminds you of your husband and seems like a genuine family man. In return he will support previous declarations that most Hollywood actresses are too skinny and even gross. He much prefers ‘curvy’ actresses like Kate Winslet. Don’t worry. It’s like Santa. She wants to believe.

10) Concede that your wife does a pretty good Pacino… for a girl.

11) Indulge her request for at least one slow dance at any wedding reception attended regardless of your opinion of the clichéd song that is playing (i.e. ‘Lady in Red’? Seriously?) Yes. Seriously.

12) In that same vein, while we all agree that Valentine’s Day is a hokey, contrived and Hallmarky marketing driven holiday, you will nut up and make arrangements for an original, yet tastefully expensive bouquet be delivered to her at work in full view of her snarky gossipy coworkers.

13) Be a good sport when she wants to play “Guess How Much This Cost?” upon returning from TJ Maxx and then praise her savvy bargain hunting/internet shopping prowess. It is one of her secret vanities.

14) Listen to her when she asks for one of these http://www.minidonkeys.com/ . She has some valid points and they really are adorable. Be the first on your block!

15) Accompany him, without complaint, to the early premiere of any LOTR based, Star Wars related or DC/Marvel hero based film. You’re participating in cinematic history after all and those DVR’d episodes of The Real Housewives aren’t going anywhere.

16) Do not ask prying questions as to why you keep paying for Cinemax when you’ve never once seen him watch it during the day. A man’s got needs. In this case, a need to know what those Co-Eds are doing Confidentially.

17) Make occasional but consistent eye contact with her when separated at social events because while she may appear to be merely returning your glance, she is in fact actually communicating her current mood, opinion of the event and requested course of action on your part.

18) Grant him the occasional Dutch oven. Yes, we all know his air deuces smell like fumes from an Oscar Mayer processing plant and settle like mustard gas in a WWII foxhole but c’mon, you have to admit, it’s a little funny. And by the way, your’s don’t exactly smell
like a meadow after a spring rain so you know, that whole glass houses thing.

19) Finally, she will, without a doubt, invent any number of embarrassing, emasculating nicknames for you during the course of your marriage. Respond to them in private and they will remain private. Ignore them and you will next hear them over the intercom at Home Depot.

And you know what my big strong hug…uh,I mean my Better Half, I still do. I do I do.